I havent been able to put it in words

Depression has taken me over again. I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into a mossy foggy marsh that has hold of me and keeps me from moving in any direction. I cant get myself together to apply for graduate school, I cant get myself to apply for graduation. Hell, i cant even get myself to read a book that my professor loaned me by an author that I love. I feel like I am failing in every way. i want to exercise but instead, I end up sleeping all day. I want to cut back on my eating, but instead I sit for hours munching on one thing after another. I feel fat and ugly and insecure and I would do just about anything to be different. I need a job, I need a boyfriend, I need a life. its almost another new year and I am no better off than I was last year. I havent learned any ways to control my depression or anxiety or anger. I wish every day more and more that I would find some purpose for myself in this world. I am an extremely lucky to have both parents to support me and love me, even if they do not do the right things or say the right things, I know that they are only human and that they do love me. I have a best friend who despite the fact that she has a life that would be very fulfilling even without me in it, still she is my friend and spends time with me. I just need to either force myself to feel better or accept the despair that will be with me forever. I am already on enough meds, I have tried so many, this is just who I am. I just wish that I didnt fantasize about getting hit by a bus or jumping off a building. especially since I dont want to die, I just dont want to feel like this anymore. I know all of the psychology of what I am going through, I know that there is help that I can get, but I dont want it because I have tried it before and I was not able to connect to any of my therapists. I saw at least five different people and yet I never felt like they helped, but rather just regurgiated what I already know. Not to mention the fact that they cost so much money. we just cant afford an extra 100 dollars going out the door each week. I would rather spend that to get a massage to try and feel better. in either case, i only would feel better for the fleeting hour that I am getting the help. then it all crumbles and I am left with the results of yet another failed attempt to make myself something that I will never be. so i guess i will continue onand hope to break this streak of the blues, or else I dont know what wmy future will be.

MY PARENTS ARE COMPLETELY IGNORING WHAT THEY NEED TO BE DOING. MY BROTHER HAS STOLEN 2000 DOLLARS FROM THEIR CHECK BOOK, RACKED UP 20,000 IN DEBT FROM HIS CAR AND OTHER BILLS AND THIS DEBT IS ALL IN MY DAD'S NAME. HE HAS BEEN CAUGHT SMOKING CRACK, WEED AND DOING COKE. HE HAS HIS SLUTTY ASS GIRLFRIEND STAY OVER IN MY PARENTS BASEMENT WITH HIM FOR DAYS AND DAYS. HE DOESNT HAVE A JOB (HASNT HAD ONE FOR A YEAR) HE STOLE FROM MY PURSE-TOOK A CREDIT CARD AND MY CELL PHONE. HE HAS SOLD A COMPUTER THAT WAS LOANED TO HIM BY A GOOD FRIEND OF MY DADS-IT WAS LOANED SO THAT MY BROTHER COULD LEARN A PROGRAM SO HE COULD WORK AT MY DADS FRIENDS COMPANY, NOW ITS GONE. MY DAD BOUGHT HIM A VIDEO CAMERA FOR NO REASON BUT JUST IN HOPES THAT HE COULD ENCOURAGE MY BROTHERS CREATIVITY AND DREAMS OF BEING A FILMMAKER--THAT WAS SOLD TOO. ALL FOR DRUGS OR HIS GIRLFRIEND OR FOR HIMSELF. I HATE MY BROTHER I CANT STAND TO BE AROUND HIM I WANT TO SCREAM AND PUSH HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE AND MAKE HIM WANDER THE STREETS ALONE SO HE CAN THINK ABOUT WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME. I CRY EVERY DAY BECAUSE HE HAS MADE ME AND MY PARENTS CONSTANTLY FIGHT ABOUT HIM, ABOUT MONEY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I WONT EVEN ASK MY DAD FOR FIVE DOLLARS TO GET FOOD TO MAKE FOR BREAKFAST BUT MY BROTHER HAS NO PROBLEM STEALING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS- AND NOT ALL AT ONCE BUT HE SLOWLY TOOK IT OUT 40 HERE 50 THERE. HE HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING AND STILL CHOSE TO HURT US. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE I CANT STAND IT TOO MUCH LONGER I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO LOSE IT SOON. THEY LET HIM STAY, THEY STILL LOAN HIM MONEY, LET HIM USE THEIR CAR, LET HIM USE THEIR CELL PHONE. DAY AFTER DAY I AM SO SICK OF THEM FEELING SORRY FOR HIM. HE SAYS HIS BACK HURTS FROM A CAR ACCIDENT? YES IT WAS A BAD ACCIDENT BUT EVERYONE SEEMS TO FORGET HOW HE GOT IN THE ACCIDENT--HE RAN INTO THE BACK OF A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS AND WHEN MY BROTHERS LOOKED AT THE DEMOLISHED CAR THEY FOUND IT COVERED WITH WEED, HIS BOWL WAS STILL SLIGHTLY SMOULDERING. HE WAS TAKING A HIT WHEN HE SMASHED INTO THAT BUS. HE WAS HIGHER THAN A KITE AND THAT EQUATES TO POOR DISTANCE JUGEMENT AND SLOW REACTION TIME SO HELLO... NO WONDER HE WAS IN AN ACCIDENT. HE WAS PROBABLY SO BLAZED THAT HE DIDNT EVEN REALIZE WHAT HAPPENED. NOW HE USES THAT ACCIDENT TO GET HIM SYMPATHY. AND EVERYONE FORGETS THAT HE WAS ARRESTED FOR POSSESSION AND INTENT TO DELIVER AND THAT HE ALMOST ENDED UP IN PRISON IF IT WASNT FOR MY DAD'S $5000 CONTRIBUTION TO PAY A LAWYER. I WANT HIM TO PAY BACK EVERY LAST PENNY TO MY PARENTS AND THEN TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE. HE HAS BEEN GIVEN EVERYTHING IN HIS LIFE. CATHOLIC PRIVATE HIGH SCHOOL, ALL THE CLOTHES AND FUN STUFF HE COULD EVER ASK FOR, HE COULD HAVE HAD HIS COLLEGE PAID FOR, MY DAD HAS PAID FOR 4 CARS FOR HIM...THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. THE SADDEST PART IS THAT HE WILL BE 30 IN 2 YEARS AND I DONT THINK THAT HE WILL EVER ACT A DAY OVER 13 YEARS OLD. HE IS A CHILD WHO IS SELFISH AND ANNOYING AND IRRESPONSIBLE AND NEEDS TO BE DISCIPLINED. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I FLIP OUT AND ABANDON MY FAMILY FOREVER.

I love my job even though it isnt a job because I dont get paid. I think I am in love more so with the people there. i feel like my personality jsut totally fits in there. but there is a problem, i think i am falling in love with one of my co-workers. he is so sweet, we get to spend a lot of time together, we like the same music, we have the same sense of humor. I am really attracted to him. One problem... he is engaged. At least I think he is. When I first met him, he mentioned being engaged, but since then he has not said a word about it, and has said that he and a sibling are looking for an apartment together. i am scared to ask him if he is still has a girlfriend. Why do I get myself into these positions where I like guys who will never ever be able to commit themselves to me? If he is getting married my heart will be broken.

I don't know why but I have been really freaking depressed for the last few days. I was really on a roll there for a little while, going out with friends and meeting boys. But now it all just seems pointless. I really really love my new job and I want to stay there past this little introductory time that they have given me. I would love to stay through the start of school in the fall and then maybe through spring too, and then once I graduate I can get a real position there while attending grad school. That would be so freakin easy and great. I feel very at ease there, with the people and the duties that I have. Maybe because I am not technically an employee, a lot of the pressure has been taken off of my shoulders. Sometimes I don't do anything at all there, I just read for school or do busy work. That is not to say that I never do anything, most days I am so busy that I don't get a lunch so it all evens out. I was reading in the paper today about this school that I want to get my Masters at, it really is a dream to go there and I don't think I can ever ever get in but it is worth a shot. I need to start looking at the application crap this weekend because the word is that they only release the info for a short time and then you are out of luck. I am scared to even try because when I get the rejection note, I will feel so worthless. That is why I don't plan on telling anyone that I am applying that why when I fail, I will have only my harshest critic (myself) to face.

The family life is worse than i thought. so many details that i am not comfortable posting for the whole world to potentially see. so instead i will move on from the nightmare that is occurring in my home and talk about more menial subjects. why is it that i attract men who are in relationships? is it that i am a little bit bad? is it because i have chosen to give them a little extra attention? based on the last few weeks i think that i have learned that if i ever want to have a long term relationship with a guy, i am going to make sure that he is head over heels in love with me so that i have the confidence that he will never go astray and cheat on me. i dont know if that exists or will ever happen for me but that may just mean that i will never get married. honestly i think that i am pretty comfortable with this idea. i can still have kids, and i will be sure to have them with men who want children as well. we will function just like a family with married parents but the difference will be that there is no binding legal commitment between me and him. Okay so this kind of goes against my first idea that i will not have a LTR, but if he wants to have children with me i think it is probably a feeling accompanied by some form of the head over heels type of love. i guess i just want to be realistic. i dont want to walk around spouting love songs and obsessing over finding true love. i can accept that people can fall in and out of love and that relationships take work and that both sides need to be working together to make it work. so that is my musing of love and relationships it may not be worth a penny but it helps me to keep my head out of the clouds.

flippin emotions. why do mine have to be so freakin erratic. yesterday i made the claim to myself that i was the happiest that i have been in years, and that i am finally starting to get back the fun version of myself that i lost a few years back. today it was a total trash of that and a change into feelin like a freaking loser. i am now lusting after TWO men with girlfriends. very pathetic when u consider the fact that i would be soooo very offended if a guy cheated on me and yet i am helping other people do just that. what is even worse is that i am not even winning at this game. obviously there are no real winners in this kind of a triangle but if u think about it, the guys get to be the adored boyfriend and have the side-action from me, the girlfriends are getting cheated on which sucks, but ultimately he is choosing to stay with them rather than be exclusive with me. i am the biggest loser in this, not only do i not get the boyfriend or the commitment or attention, but i also get labeled the whore, the home wrecker, the slut. so why the hell do i keep on playing by these rules? it does help to distract me from the fact that my boyfriend is a complete drug addict and just arrived home not only whacked out on vicodin, but also sloppy puking drunk. lovely. i am pissed because i told my family that this would happen. this is no hindsight is 20/20 shit, i seriously told them that his getting a prescription for vicodin would only lead to further drug abuse, and that he was showing all the signs of addiction and that he would lie cheat and steal to get the prescription. but noooooo. nobody listens to me. and when i am all bitchy and rude to him because i cant stand the fact that the pink elephant in the room is being ignored, i get the label as the only wrong do-er. maybe being a bitch is not the most compassionate way to react but there are no other reactions that i can think of as being feasible at the moment. whatever i have thought about him and his problems so much i feel like they are my own. perhaps my recent quests for male attention have something to do with this home-life structure? just call me Dr. Freud.

wow. i never thought that i would have so much fun with someone. i just got back from a mini-meet with a guy who i have not seen in a long time, and i can not explain to myself what it is that made it so great. it has all the makings of a bad date, we did not have a lot to talk about, he has a girlfriend (pattern here?) it only lasted a short time, but i am left feeling kinda, well kinda happy. he was do funny that i just cant help but like him. maybe my hormones are in overdrive and i am bound to fall in love with anything that comes my way. i hope not because i have always tried to not be that type of girl. i never wanted to be the one who falls in love on a whim with whoever is around. i dont understand how i have evolved to this state. my parents are fairly normal compared to the population around me. they are married still, even if they dont love each other, we have a close-ish family dynamic and i am comfortable with the fact that i am love by both parents and yet i am still searching for some form of validation. usually this gets blamed on the "daddy complex" some girls have where they were missing a father figure growing up and then subsequently try to make up for it later in relationships. i dont see how that can possibly apply to me. all signals point to the fact that i should be fairly self secure and independant, and yet i am not. i cant be without guy liking me or it sends me into a hole of sadness. the weird thing is that i dont go out and actively seek to fill this hole, maybe that is my difference. instead i wait and moan and groan about my life until a prospect comes along into which i can devote my entire concious brain to making some man like me. its disgusting really. hopefully i can learn to enjoy some parts of what is going on in my life right now, it is all very good actually. i am loved and that is fullfilling.

well, I did it. I had him over again. there is something different this time though. I had fun and yet i didnt because i feel like he really doesnt respect me (which i knew) but also that he doesnt even try to hide it. its always on the tip of his tongue to say something mean. all i really want is a guy who will want to kiss me and thinks that i am worth his time. i am not asking for a husband or even a steady relationship. is it really too much too ask for monogamy? is that some type of an outdated concept that i am only going to sleep with one person at a time? it is no wonder that there are so many divorces and broken families, no one seems to think that it is necessary to be with only one person at a time. its my own fault though i have totallly created this situation and it is completely in my hands to end it any time i want. which is why i am happy to have a diversion tonite, my old friend from school and i are going out to dinner and i cant wait to catch up. it is really great to know that someone wants to meet up with me again despite any bad impressions i may have made.